I witnessed an incident a few days ago and wondered if it would work in this form. I’ve tried things with these two characters before but this time I’m not sure it works. Tell me what you think.

A – What do you think of Uber?

B – Uber?

A – You know – the taxi business.

B – I never use a taxi. Walk everywhere.

A – Uber’s different though.

B – Is it?

A – Yeah. I think it’s just fellas with a car.

B – How do you mean?

A – You get a call. You pick up. You get paid.

B – Is that right?

A – I think so. Yes.

B – Is it cheaper than a taxi?

A – Dunno.

B – Have you used one?

A – No.

B – There you go.

A – Reason I ask is this morning I was watching the footy.

B – Match of the Day?

A – Yeah.

B – That Salah. Some kick he has on him.

A – Oh yeah. But listen.

B – That was never a penno was it? Handball? He wasn’t even looking at the fucking thing.

A – Listen. I don’t wanna talk about football.

B – What?

A – Listen. This car turned up opposite our house.

B – So?

A – A beamer. Grey. Big car.

B – What was it? 3 series?

A – How would I know? I just saw the blue and white badge.

B – Well a 3 Series

A – Listen.

B – Sorry.

A – Thing is this car stopped really suddenly on the yellow lines. Well, on the kerb really.

B – So?

A – Well there was a bang and it kind of hit the kerb and bounced around a bit.

B – Like falling of the pavement?

A – I suppose so. Anyway the driver’s door opened and the driver turned in his seat.

B – So he’s facing the road.

A – No. The pavement. And he sits there for a few seconds.

B – Doing what?

A – I couldn’t see.

B – Just sitting.

A – I think so. Anyway he stands up and stretches backwards.

B – They’re supposed to support your back.

A – Who are?

B – Beamer seats. Specially designed.

A – OK.

B – One of the attractions.

A – OK. So then he reaches back into the car and throws an ASDA bag on the roof.

B – On the roof?

A – Of the car. Yeah.

B – No respect.

A – He’s a big fella. Stocky. Short hair.

B – Shaved?

A – No. Iron filings. Dyed black.

B – Dyed?

A – Looked like it.

B – Right.

A – Pudgy face.

B – Pudgy?

A – Yeah. Y’know. Bags under the eyes.

B – Pudgy?

A – Well, swollen eyes really.

B – Swollen?

A – Like piss holes in the snow.

B – Oh. Hangover?

A – Perhaps. And his face is the colour of raw pastry.

B – Not very healthy then.

A – Far from healthy. And he yawns and leans back again then rummages in the bag.

B – Rummage?

A – Yeah. Rummage. Listen.

B – OK

A – He freezes. One hand in the bag. Then he turns to the back of the car and pukes on the pavement.

B – Ugh!

A – Then he straightened up so I could see his t-shirt.

B – Oh yeah.

A – It was some kind of Slayer thing.

B – Heavy metal.

A – Yeah and he had a puffa jacket on.

B – Was it that cold yesterday?

A – No.

B – Why the jacket then?

A – I don’t know. Perhaps he was embarrassed about the t-shirt.

B – Embarrassed?

A – Didn’t want anyone to see it.

B – That’s ridiculous.

A – Whatever.

B -Why would he want to hide it?

A – I don’t know. Then he leans both elbows on the car.

B – Get his breath back.

A – Yeah. He takes a bottle of water from the bag – at least it looked like water

B – What else could it be?

A – I don’t know – vodka. Moonshine.

B – Ah. I see.

A – It was a big bottle though.

B – Litre?

A – Probably. Anyway, he takes a big gulp, gargles and gobs it on the pavement.

B – Charming.

A – Absolutely. Then he has a proper drink and sniffs his fingers.

B – What, sniffs?

A – Yeah. Both hands.

B – Did he throw up on his hands then?

A – Dunno.

B – Dirty bastard.

A – Anyway he puts the bottle on the roof then rummages again.

B – Rummages?

A – Gropes. Y’know. In the bag. And he takes out a couple of small packets.

B – Gropes?

A – Listen. At first I thought they were fags. But they weren’t that big. One was red and the other was a sort of pale blue.

B – Oh yeah.

A – From the red box he takes a strip of pills and pops two straight on his milky tongue. He swallows.

B – Milky?

A – Yeah. His tongue had that early morning white coating.

B – And puke.

A – Yeah.

B – Not a good feeling.

A – Next he presses one capsule from the blue container and places it carefully between his front teeth.

B – Really?

A – Yeah. And he looked to his right and then his left.

B – Why?

A – I have no idea. Perhaps he heard something.

B – Ah. Yeah.

A – Anyway, he takes a small green bottle from the bag.

B – Green?

A – Yes. Green. And he unscrews the lid, takes a swig and jerks his head again. He screws the lid back on.  

B – You’re excited by this aren’t you?

A – Not excited. Concerned. And I’ll tell you why.

B – Some driver taking drugs in public.

A – Well, yeah. But …

B – But what?

A – Two bottles? Two sets of pills?

B – Drugs.

A – Now he takes his phone out and looks at the screen. Then he taps on it.

B – So?

A – Well he, I don’t know, he leaned on the car with his head down.

B – So?

A – Well, it turns out he was waiting for someone.

B – Who?

A – This woman turned up.

B – Ah. It’s an Uber.

A – Or something yeah.

B – So who’s the woman?

A – I’ve seen her running. She’s young. Slight. Long hair.

B – Bloke?

A – I don’t know. Anyway she has a laptop bag over her shoulder and a coat over her arm.

B – Fit?

A – I don’t know.

B – Ah come on. Is she fit?

A – She’s attractive I suppose.

B – So she is then.

A – The driver opens the boot and she puts her stuff in there. He smiles at her as her head dips under the arch of the door. Then, now get this, he takes a plastic bag from the shopping bag.

B- So what’s he got in that? A sarnie?

A – No. Shiny coloured lozenges.

B – Lozenges?

A – You know. Tablets.

B – More of them?

A – Exactly. What is this guy on?

B – Sounds like an addict.

A – Perhaps. Anyway he gropes a few of the jujubes into his mouth and swigs more of the fluid from the clear bottle. Half empty now. He fumbles a few more tabs and slurps them down his throat.

B – Uppers and downers?

A – Search me. Then he puts all but the green bottle back in his supermarket bag, turns to gob on the ground and tumbles into the driver’s seat.

B – And he’s a taxi driver.

A – There was no sign on the car.

B – So what is he?

A – I haven’t a clue. Uber?

B – Ah.

A – But they’re checked, Uber drivers.

B – So did you see that Salah goal?

A – Yeah. How does he kick it so hard with so little back lift?

B – Brilliant.


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